You've got to have class -- News-Gazette

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Saturday July 26, 2025.

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The Dutch Way: Who pays?

 

“The Dutch Way” or some other way?

By Debra L. Karplus

Now that my son has taken up residence outside Amsterdam, I thought I’d become the interested Mom who could talk intelligently with him about the place he now calls home. So when I spotted local girls doing Double Dutch jump rope on a nearby playground, I came home and researched Double Dutch but couldn’t find any obvious connection to anything in the Netherlands.  Then I thought about Dutch chocolate and discovered that in the early 1800s the Netherlands was a producer of chocolate bars and cocoa powder.

Recently chatting with my son, thanks for Facetime, I mentioned that I’d enjoyed Chinese food at a popular Champaign restaurant with a friend, and though we typically order identical menu items, we always ask for separate checks.  My son chimed in, that in his part of the world they call that “The Dutch Way”, a term which originated because of the reputation for straightforwardness embraced by folks in the Netherlands. 

A long discussion with my son began about the protocol for who pays when people go out for a meal or some other activity.  For married couples, the question of who pays is generally straightforward.  But for everyone else, it can become a very murky situation.  (I heard there’s even an app that helps sort this out.  What an amazing world we live in!)

When Dad would take the family for a restaurant meal, he’d insist on paying because he was the patriarch of our group of many adult children and numerous grandchildren.  I have several friends who say it’s that way in their families, also, and that the elder might even take offense if another person offered to pay. 

But what’s the rule for friends dining out?  Perhaps one party’s a big eater, ordering alcoholic beverages and/or dessert.  Splitting the check 50/50 simply doesn’t seem equitable.

Does gender figure into the” who pays” equation?  In earlier times, the man typically paid, but these days that’s not necessarily the case.

Is age a factor in deciding who picks up the check?  Is it assumed that the older person will take care of the check? 

Sometimes it’s obvious that one person might be in better shape financially, either because of their lavish lifestyle or current employment situation?  Is there some expectation that the seemingly wealthier person pick up the check?

And if someone has driven a long way for the meal, or is even an out of town guest, should they be treated to the meal?

When there’s leftover food from the meal, who gets to take it home, the person who paid or is it split between two households?

I hate pettiness and have been in situations when one check is delivered to the table after the meal, and the person I am with suggests we each pay our own and then squabbles over exact change which involves pennies.  I find that exhausting and am happy to pay more than my share, just to keep it all simple.

There are still restaurants that accept only cash, or offer a generous discount for paying cash versus credit card, or similarly charge a surcharge for those using credit card instead of cash.  These days, many people no longer even carry cash so would be in a bit of a pickle at a “cash only” dining establishment.  I was with someone once when that happened, he didn’t carry any cash, and it angered me, but I was a good sport and paid for both of us. 

Mom’s been gone nearly 10 years but I, as a young adult, remember her always telling me it’s a good idea to carry “mad money”, a little bit of money, and I stress “little bit” in my wallet “just in case”.

Purchasing Krannert Center or other entertainment tickets in advance can be equally convoluted, when we’re going “The Dutch Way”.  One of my friends orders and pays for a bunch of tickets and then invites friends with the expectation that they’ll reimburse her.  Often, I’ll arrange with a friend that I buy our two tickets and they’ll pay me back.  A new friend introduced me to what seems like the best way to obtain tickets with someone not in my household.  One of us buys one ticket and tells the other our seat number; consequently, they can independently buy the adjacent seat. 

It seems that social situations, in general, are much more ambiguous these days than they were when I was a young adult over a half century ago.